chris pine comes out of hiding every six months, tells us that we never make proper connections with one another in the modern age and that western society views sex in a problematic way and then leaves again
alright I’m not gonna turn this into a full fledged dissection of the story or anything because I’m tired and also don’t want to care about the movie that much, so I’m just gonna list stuff off the top of my head I remember bugging me when I saw it yesterday. obviously, spoilers:
so like we established the American Wizards™ have a congress with a president and everything but literally the very first thing we see on screen is the words ‘American Ministry of Magic’ please just remember what you named things
the whole opening scene with Grindlewald escaping literally. did not need to be That Long. surely if he was powerful enough he could’ve just…killed everyone at once and bounced like
I know it looked cool at first but it really just ended up dragging on
‘how do we make him look even more evil’ ‘ooh…let’s make him kill the lizard’
the title, “Crimes of Grindlewald”, made me think oooh, we’re gonna get a backstory here, we’re gonna find out what he’s been doing that makes him the most-wanted wizard in Europe!!! but no
he literally barely even COMMITTED crimes in the movie asdfgh like a few murders but nothing that would imply he was Worse Than Voldemort…literally the most he did was give a speech which the aurors themselves said wasn’t illegal
Nagini was. worse than I expected
like did she even talk??? I’m screaming
Eddie Redmayne was phoning it the fuck in acting wise and honestly mood
like. my love has an Oscar. we know what it looks like when he’s trying. he really just read his lines and got his paycheck lmao I can’t blame him
actually speaking on that, Jude Law and Alison Sudol were the only ones who seemed to care lmao
did Tina do anything the whole movie??? no
Credence had like maybe three lines despite being the center of the plot
we didn’t need the parasite in the eye scene
why was Nicholas Flammel…………Like That
GOD that character that was half-house elf. like, first of all. Blatant Starkid plagiarism. they could make a case for copyright infringement,
but ANYWAY I HATE THAT SO MUCH BECAUSE!!! NOW THAT I KNOW PEOPLE FUCK HOUSE ELVES!!!! ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS HOW IN GOF BARTY CROUCH’S ELF WINKY WAS SO DEVESTATED AFTER HE FIRED HER THAT SHE BECAME AN ALCOHOLIC!!!
JK Rowling wrote that character in there, made the concept canon in this movie, as a means of leaning over to me and whispering in my ear, “Barty Crouch was an Elf-Fucker, Barty Crouch and Winky the Elf were fucking” AND I HATE THAT FOR US!!!
why did they have to make every single thing about Leta be cryptic like…calm down
why did we have to make Queenie a rapist, kidnapper and a fascist??? like. like. I just feel as though we could have…..not? done that? like there could have been other routes taken? just saying
why was every other sentence spoken reminding you that they were in Paris
were Leta and Credence on the Titanic??? wtf
out of every hp character they could have referenced with a relative….McLaggen??????????
I thought Dumbledore was the transfiguration teacher??? why was he DADA???
McGonagall being a grown woman and a professor at least 10 years before she was born…..imagine being that powerful
why did all the aurors move in a fucking pack like….am I supposed to assume there’s absolutely no other crime happening other than Grindlewald?? not a single thing people might need the police for??? nope all of them just had to roll up to Hogwarts to stare at Dumbledore and pose like they were in fashion catalogue
so how did we get from ‘Dumbledore won’t move against Grindlewald because he’s still in love with him but he eventually realized he needed to put the good of the world before his personal feelings, a character point that plays a major role in Harry’s story, and took him down and imprisoned him’ to ‘Dumbledore is 100% pro taking down and possibly killing Grindlewald and he wishes he could do it himself but because of a blood pact he physically cannot do anything and has to send spies to do the work for him’ like. how did we make that jump. just curious
the really went and implied Grindlewald could’ve stopped Hiroshima and the Holocaust. that….was a lot
also, actually, you know what? can JKR just….stop trying to tackle Hot Button Issues™ already because she’s really fucking bad at it???
I remember in the first movie there was that scene where Newt and Tina were given the death penalty, and the way it played like. it was CLEARLY supposed to be a statement on the American justice system she wasn’t even trying but uh!!! hey Joanne!!!! you already established that in Britain the wizards have their souls sucked out of their bodies!!!! so you kinda fell flat!!!
and then in THIS ONE it was all, the aurors are trigger-happy, they’ll torture you, You Cannot Trust The Wizard Cops and yeah! that could’ve been an interesting route to explore! especially given the current political climate about the police which obviously inspired that plot point! BUT UH. THE BAD GUY WAS THE ONE TELLING YOU THE COPS WERE BAD???
so even though we were *showed* the aurors doing these Bad Things uh!!! you aren’t supposed to agree with the evil fascist dude!!!! and Theseus and Leta and Tina were all portrayed as good guys even though they were among the group!!!! Hmmmm!!!!!!
um. some good things? The scene where Newt disguised himself as Theseus and then immediately ran into Theseus was the funniest fucking thing ever. Tina still being able to do her job and work with Newt while she was upset instead of being played as the Jealous Scorned Ex Who Won’t Cooperate was good. Pickett and the Niffler were still cute. the magic fight scenes were visually stunning. that’s all.
why the FUCK DID THEY KILL LETA
Zoe Karvitz is a solid person to have in your franchise!!!! she barely even had a coherent plot line!!! what happened there!!!
they could’ve done more with Theseus
the timeline for Credence to be a Dumbledore LITERALLY IN NO WAY works out with the already established timeline honestly what the fuck. that was the dumbest thing ever
probably gonna be some fucking twist like Grindlewald fucked Arianna or Albus’ mom or something and he’s Credence’s father. just wait. I literally wouldn’t put that past this franchise.
uhhh…that’s all I got for now. if you like bad movies, I definitely recommend!! 🙂
Reminder not to support the Salvation Army who are a bunch of bigots
It’s ironic that they think being pro LGBTQIA is a “Threat to their fundraising efforts” when the fact is I would NEVER donate a single penny of my money to any group, person or organisation that wasn’t 100% pro LGBTQIA and supportive of the rights and freedoms of LGBTQIA people
The Salvation Army’s bullshit makes certain that I will NEVER waste my money donating to their shitty little organisation because I am not going to give my money to worthless filth like them
Also sick, Apparently the Valparaiso, IN Salvation Army had Aryan Brotherhood members (in full attire) bellringing for them on Black Friday.
Here’s your annual reminder not to give to the Salvation Army, and before a single one of you says “but they do good work” here is ALSO your reminder that THOUSANDS OF OTHER CHARITIES THAT DON’T THINK GAY PEOPLE SHOULD DIE would also gladly accept your donations, often dozens or hundreds in your local region alone. Your options are never “bigots or nothing”.
idk what it is about kids these days that makes them so funny but in any case my friend just told us about how her younger sister babysits for a 7 and 9 yr old and one day they said they wanted to play “bus drivers” and they made wheels and everything but then the game was just being bus drivers at a union meeting discussing their problems
backup from Tumblr 