inkskinned:

sometimes i learn a new thing about how i was trained as girl. like i recently realized that male performers can end up in jail ,or drunk, or dancing on tables, out every night, crazy, wild: and they’re considered heroes. i was never allowed any of that stuff without “messy” “crazy” “tactless” “unclassy” following me. and maybe that was obvious to other people, i guess.

but the other day one of my students came up to me at at five years old she said, “boys are allowed to play with knights but girls aren’t.” i said, “we can play with either.” she shook her head, “knights are scary. girls are pretty.”

okay. i got a lot of things in my life i’m angry about. where are my pockets. why can’t i walk alone at night. how come i have to text every detail of my uber driver to my sister before i close the door, how come i keep my fingers on the lock and a knife in my pocket. how come i had to burn the clothes he touched me in, i liked those before him. how come rapists are allowed on campuses but bare breasts is a expulsion-level misconduct. how come i don’t know any women who look like me. how come little girls with ADD go unnoticed like i did. how come.

but god it fucking stings when you see a little girl learn these things. like, i know this stuff so deeply i forget about it. she only understands gender as a black and white binary. and “pretty” is in the “girl” category.

and sometimes i look down and i feel like i’m five again because i find some quality of myself and i have to look at it and say: hey, is this something that’s actually me, or is it because i thought that’s what girls had to be?